Santi and I recently went to eat at La Paloma. A good Mexican restaurant of which I have been anticipating the opening of for quite some time. It’s been open for 4 days now. I was also hoping the spicy food would send me into labor. Alas, no such luck.

Anyway, as Santi and I are sitting in our booth enjoying the homemade chips & salsa I notice an old co-worker of mine sitting at the bar. She can clearly see me, so now I feel like I have to get her attention and wave hello. Here’s where it’s awkward. When we used to work together we used to hang out quite a bit. When I left the job we stopped hanging out as much. Actually, I just stopped returning her calls. Why? Well, she liked to party, ALOT, and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Now, those of you who have met me know I like a good party every now and again as well. However, let’s just say her parties were (now I’m speculating) a little more “rock ‘n roll” if you will. She also had some other life things going on that were a bit much for me at the time.

It’s not that I didn’t like her. I just didn’t want that in my life. I’m sure I hurt her feelings by pretty much just cutting her out and never letting her know why.

When I saw her I could see the awkward hurt hello in her eyes. Awkward. I asked Santi if I was being a girl and overly dramatic about it all or if dudes went through these things too. He said that he thought guys sometimes encountered these situations, but probably less often than us ladies.

Ladies, I know you’ve all been through it, but what do you do? You can’t ignore it. I just smiled and waved and felt bad. Does that mean I miss her crazy ass?

Who knows, but what I do know is that I have to trust my decisions because I can’t take them back and that even though we are not friends I still wish her well.



June 4, 2010

So, I thought I should update you. All three of you. We sold our condo, bought a house, bought a new wagon, and I graduated with my master’s degree. Uh-huh. Now just waiting for the birth of our 1st child, which frankly could come out any time now as I’m getting hot and uncomfortable. Seriously. I also decided that I should just put my random thoughts of the day on here. I need to be more vigilante about writing.

So, thought for today: How come all fashion mags say that the trend for the summer is the nautical theme? They say that EVERY SUMMER. I’m not kidding. So basically it never goes out of style. So throw on some navy stripes; it’s summer.

As promised, I am keeping you all up to date on the house selling/buying ventures. It’s been….well frankly it’s been knotting my stomach, as you will read…

Let me start by saying that we have been living in a “show case” house for quite some time. Ryan and Gill came down to help us “declutter” some of our rooms. Julie and Chris were nice enough to let us store some crap in their basement for the time being. Cleaning everyday sucks, as does vacuuming with our hairy dogs. It seemed like every day we had someone coming to look at our house. This was good at first, but got old after awhile. I’m sure the dogs really enjoyed getting to go to work with Santi.

Then one day our neighbor emailed me to ask me a favor. (Back-story on neighbors: we don’t REALLY know them. They’ve lived next door for about a year and spend most of their time in Florida. They only come here occasionally to visit their kids and grandkids) Anyway, he wanted  me to spread the word about a job opening his son’s website had. I told him I would do so only if he would spread the word about our condo being for sale. It was at this point in time that he told me that HE himself would be interested in our place because it had more bedrooms and bathrooms. He said he would not be returning to Lincoln until late April. He was going to send his kids to look at the place and would I please let him know if we received any offers. I said sure! HOT DOG A POSSILBE BUYER!!

Then we hit a snag. We had a gentleman want to put in an offer on our condo, but found that he couldn’t get financing. SAY WHAT?! So yeah, it seems that many of the houses that were foreclosed on a few years back were condos. Then banks and congress decided to make it more difficult to find financing for condos. I panicked! If this guy couldn’t get financing NO ONE could get it and we were stuck. I had a meltdown.

However, after some research, we found that it WAS possible to get financing. You just had to be willing to hunt for it and find a bank that would do it. I also emailed our neighbors at this time to let them know what we had found. Neighbor assured me that financing would not be a problem for them. I would also like to note that at this point in time the neighbors had sent their kids to see it twice and told us they didn’t want to make an offer w/o seeing it. Fine, I understand, but we’re still showing it.

Then about a week later neighbor called Santi. They had an honest man to man chat. Santi let them know that we had an offer once before and what that offer was. Our neighbors said they would put in the same offer. Fine, you do that.

Another week went by. No offers. However, we are still getting a ton of people come look at our place.

The next week Santi and I go to VEGAS!! Hollah! It was nice to see the sun. On Wednesday I received an email from our neighbors saying they were approved for a 30 day mortgage thing of some sort. This meant we should be receiving an offer from them soon. I sent the email on to our realtor. Our realtor then spread the word to all those who came to see our place that an offer was coming in, so if you wanted the place now was the time to get rolling.

Friday morning we received an offer. It wasn’t from our neighbors. In fact, they still had not put in their offer. It was an AWESOME OFFER! $3,000.00 over our asking price. I decided that I would be nice and let the neighbors know. I told them the offer amount as well. Did I have to do that? Nope. Response from neighbor “is this buyer real?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? No, I’m making him up. Jerk. Anyway, his realtor called our realtor. She wanted to meet with Santi & I in person to “present” their offer sans our realtor. Um, no. Why can’t you just fax or email it in like everyone else?

After I got off work, we decided that we would indeed meet with the silly neighbor realtor to hear her offer, but our realtor had to be present as well. Our realtor called and left her a voicemail saying she could meet us at 8 pm to go over the offer. He called again at 6:30. Still no answer. We go to his office. It’s 7:50. We call and leave her another message. We were on speaker phone, we heard it. We waited until 8:40. She was a no show. So, we accepted the other offer.

Then I got an email from the neighbors saying “hey, our realtor said you didn’t want to hear our offer, what’s the deal?” UMMM, WHAT?! No, that didn’t happen. I emailed back, nope, we waited for her for over 40 minutes and she was a no show. Then he called me. He said “What happened?” I told him that his realtor never showed up. He then said that was b/c she didn’t get our messages b/c we left them after 5pm. Excuse me? What realtor works 8-5 M-F? I said, sorry, we tried calling and waited and we accepted the other offer. He then SCREAMED “WELL GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!” to which I replied in the NICEST SUGARY VOICE KNOWN TO MAN “Well thank you soo much!!!”

Their realtor also called and yelled at our realtor to whom our guy responded, “sorry, it didn’t have to be this way had you just faxed or emailed your offer in.” Her final question to him was “what offer amount did they accept?” Colin would not answer.

This question erks me. They knew the offer we were accepting. This told me again that they still didn’t believe us. This whole thing made it hard for us to be excited about selling our house. We really are not looking forward to running into them when they come back.

Whatever a-holes. We were honest and more upfront than we had to be. They had plenty of opportunities to put in an offer. It’s just business baby.

(The beeps are supposed to be sound effects like an important news update from an old radio, you know)

Warning, not only is this blog entry long, there are also some graphic parts, but I feel that you need to know everything in order to get the entire picture of what my week has been like.


Sat 2/6 11am: Santi and I are looking at houses online in bed. We see two that look nice. I call and ask if we can look at them. The realtor says that one is sold, but the other we may see at 3 pm. Great.

3pm: We see the house and it is nice. We tell Colin the realtor this is nice, but we’d have to buy it on a contingency because we can’t afford 2 mortgages. We tell him we were going to list our place for sale by owner. He tells us he’ll give us a deal for listing with him. We said we’ll think about it.

4pm: Santi & I go w/ Chris & Julie to my friend Amanda’s open house for her new cupcake business. She gives us free cupcakes. Yummy. Then we go to eat at LaPaz. Also yummy. Then we drive to the house we are going to for a “game night” with some swinger friends of Chris & Juju only to discover we are the 1st to arrive. We decide we can’t let this happen, so we drive around. We decide to put an offer on that house while driving. I call Colin. He says come to my office on Sunday. I don’t sleep a lot Sat night b/c I’m anxious.

Sun 2/7 11:30am: We arrive at Colin’s office and fill out all of our bidding paper work. I guess this means we are listing our place with Colin. Meh. The house we like has an open house today. I’m hoping no one comes.

1pm: We go to Omaha to visit Dan, Kaci, & Emaline. Kaci takes us to Target to help us register for baby stuff. I’m glad she was there to guide us. I would have been lost. I also saw the dvd that Em is in love with. I don’t get it and wonder if this is what my life will soon become b/c this dvd is really weird. Then we go back to their place where we eat copious amounts of dip and junk food and pretend to watch the super bowl.

7:30pm: Colin calls. He says there is another bid on the house. Now we have to wait to see what the seller decides. Boo. Dan & Kaci lighten the mood by making me laugh really hard about I don’t know what. Dan was waxing philosophical about some nonsense and introducing us to his cousin Kinney. I think he was tipsy.

9pm: We drive back to Lincoln. The weather is crap for driving. I’m sick of driving in crap weather. I don’t sleep well again wondering if he will accept our offer.

Mon 2/8 in the morn: Good news! He accepted our offer and countered the other offer. You see, he can keep accepting offers until we remove our contingency. Boo.

5:45pm: Colin brings his uncle with us to our place so that we can sign our seller’s agreement and his uncle tells us how to stage our place. He takes one photo, but wants to come back to take more once our house is staged. Chris & Julie are going to let us store some crap in their basement and Gill & Ryan are going to come down on Sat w/ their truck so we can move the crap. We hope that more pics can be taken on Mon 2/15.

Tues 2/9: We start to pack our crap and “stage”. I had a group meeting at 7:45, so I went and tried to focus on school work.

Wed 2/10: I think I’m getting a cold. I wake up in the am with snot in my throat. I even vomit some up. I feel achy and crappy. I go to work. By noon my voice is pretty much gone and I feel like crap. I decide to go home and sleep.

3pm: I get a call from a realtor w/ Home real-estate. She wants to show our place at 6pm. Uh, sure. Our place has been on for about 3 hours. CRAP. We have boxes everywhere; we haven’t taken down our personal photos. I get up to start the rush process and run the vacuum as well. I still feel like crap.

6pm: We pack up the dogs and go to sonic. We didn’t know what to do. We drank shakes. At 6:30 we decide to head back. The lights are off inside, so we go in. Then we start watching the dvd we got from Netflix. DEXTER. It’s really good and not as gruesome as I thought. Also, I think Dexter is kind of cute. Santi points out that he looks like Marky Mark. He does indeed and I think Marky Mark is one hot piece of ace. Then I wonder what is wrong with me for being attracted to a serial killer. Is Santi a serial killer? No, he has angry outbursts and Dexter is cool, calm, and collected all the time.

7pm: Colin calls to tell us that the buyer of the house we want to purchase has accepted an offer. This means we have 48 hours to remove the contingency and sell our place. Yeah right. I send out texts to say we lost the house. I am angry. Boo.

Thurs 2/11: I wake up in the am and vomit. Not just morning sickness vomit, but full throttle here comes all the water you drank and the food you ate vomit. I feel terrible. I’m going back to bed.

11am: Colin calls. The gal who saw our place last night wants to come see it again at 7pm tonight. He says this is a good thing. AHHHH!!! The yo-yo. I can’t take it. This could mean she could put in an offer on our place and we could still get the other house. Me noives.

6:30pm: We drive around again. Then we decided to park a block away from our house and stalk it.

7:45pm: Why are they still in there?! I just want to watch the rest of Dexter for the love. Seriously. Also, I fed Jordan and Ella my French Fries. Jordan threw them up in the car. Santi is not pleased with me.

7:50pm: Finally they leave. Eff.

8:45pm: Colin calls and asks us some questions about our heat pump. He said that the people know we are on contingency and he told them that we are more willing to deal if they make an offer by tomorrow morning. He said they would sleep on it and let us know Friday morning. We finish disk 1 of Dexter. I still think he’s good looking and I want to know who the damn Ice Truck Killer is! UGH! Now I have to wait for the next disc to come. I don’t sleep well again.

Friday 2/12: Santi is sick this am with the snot throat and the crud I had. I feel better. I come to work to wait. My nerves are about done.

This has been my week so far. I’m over it. I’ll keep you posted on the house.

Adventures in Baby-Hatching

January 25, 2010

I am very bad at this “blog” thing, in that I don’t post very often. I’ve been wanting to blog about the happenings of the new baby that will be coming our way in July, but didn’t want to “spill the beans” too early. On Halloween, after a night of binge drinking (of course) I took a pregnancy test. Why you ask did I take a pregnancy test? Well normally after drinking I vomit. This time, I didn’t. I knew something was off. The test verified my thoughts. I was pregnant.

I of course felt like I was going to be sick immediately with a mix of I need to call people and buy baby stuff and get healthy in there as well. Now, we had been trying, so it’s not like it should have come as a shock, but it still did. Santi and I didn’t know what to do. We were supposed to go on a bike ride with our friends Chris and Julie, but we cancelled. We went to their house later and told them why we cancelled. We felt like it was a good excuse. Of course they were elated for us. We then told Santi’s parents. I decided to wait to tell mine.

So a few days later I called my mom….

Me: Well, I just wanted to call to let you know that you’re going to be a grandma.
Mom: By who?
Me: By me.
Mom: I thought you didn’t want kids…was this planned?
Me: Well, I just got tired of Aunt Judy saying I had to give my heirlooms to my cousin as I was never having offspring. Yes, it was planned.
Mom: Oh, well…..Congratulations

Also, we nearly died trying to get to Kearney for Christmas where my mom told me that she just “wasn’t that excited yet as it was too early” and my dad told me I could have one beer because it wouldn’t kill the baby.

Anyway, for the most part I would say I’ve been a fairly good pregnant lady. I mean, I try not to complain too much and I try to carry on as normal.

However, these are the things that have gotten to me:
Dizzy Spells
Aversion to toothpaste
Aversion to heat
Aversion to Santi’s farts and his breath at times
Aversion to gravy, pasta, and cheese and especially cheese stuffed pasta
Being tired
Sore hips when I sleep
Weird Ass Dreams
My feet and hands falling asleep for no reason
Stress of trying to pay for all this baby crap and trying to decipher what we really need
Being overly emotional
Not looking “pregnant” b/c I lost so much weight from eating healthy and not drinking (I just want to wear cute maternity clothes damn it!)
Thinking that at every dr.’s apt something bad is going to happen (There’s no heartbeat anymore, There’s 2 heartbeats, etc.)
(I think that’s about it for now)

I also find that with this pregnancy crap, the more they tell you that you can’t have, the more I want it, like sushi. I also don’t enjoy the advice I’ve been getting from those that have been pregnant unless it’s something that I’m dealing with at the moment, like how it’s weird that you feel sick in the hot shower (totally true and what did u do about? Nothing, sweet, just like me). YES, we’re going to find out the sex and no I don’t care that you don’t want me to. (In fact, I even bought a test at Walgreens that is 82% accurate on telling you the gender of your baby. Santi and I are 75% sure that it read “boy” but who knows. I love Walgreens.) YES, we have some names picked out and the boy name is set, while the girl name is debatable, and YES we’ll tell you if you want to know, but again, I don’t care what you think of it.

For the most part, we are excited and ready to start our new little family and just want it all to be ok. I’m sure there will be more adventures to share. I am very excited to start a baby room which I plan to do in white furniture, and alternating gray stripes on the wall , and ORANGE bed sheets!! I am also excited about the shower (which Kaci is giving and she is a WONDERFUL cook, and person) even though Santi’s mom doesn’t understand what it is. I’m sure these events will lead to the next blog entry at some point. Till then kids, don’t hold your breath.

My Crutch

July 22, 2009

I should start by noting that I haven’t written in quite some time. I know that. However, this is my bitch blog, so you should be happy that I really haven’t had a whole lot to bitch about in quite some time. Until yesterday. Yesterday I was told that using the phrase “this is where I store crap” was unprofessional. Ok, yeah, it was in an email to fellow professional people, but I was trying to be funny, and really I could have said “shit”. I mean, I just use swear words a lot. Now, most people might say that these words do not show intelligence and that there are whole dictionaries of words that can be used. I say bullshit. You know what, I like cuss words. They are funny and they are a part of my damn vocabulary. I attribute this mostly to my dad who used these colorful words as fillers in sentences for about every other word when he was talking on the phone to his railroad buddies throughout my formative years. Anyway, it was then that I realized I needed to find a place where my humor would be appreciated, or at the least, more tolerated. This realization put me in an awful mood for the rest of the day. I carried this mood with me to Soda Pop rehearsal where I was never fully able to get into character. I even messed up an entrance. At this point I was really mad at myself. When I got home I decided I would watch some of the DVR’d shows that had been piling up since play practice was now taking all of my time. I chose Kathy Griffin’s My Life on the D List. Well, if you saw the episode you know. However, she played at the Apollo and got kicked off the stage for using inappropriate words. She was told she was not welcome back to the venue anytime in the near future. She then said that swear words were her “crutch”. She used them a lot and to her they were funny. She would continue to use them like it or not. I began thinking. You know, this lady has been banned from places, been directly booed off stages, and offended many, yet she stays true to her swear words. Now, I may have been reprimanded, but I have never been fired or banned from a place due to my language…YET. Anyway, it’s good to know that there are people out there like me who are also crippled as she put it. Perhaps I need to become a comedian.

As most of you know, I am going to school to get my master’s degree! Yay me! (Only 3 classes left!) Anyway, Doane is really great about sending us emails with job postings. I usually give them a glance over and then delete them. None of them have seemed to fancy me. Until yesterday! Lincoln Public Schools had an opening that sounded like it was right up my alley! Now of course you know me. I am already plotting how awesome my new job is in my head. Then I decided I better get to filling out the application. Of course the application that is in PDF form is not one that you can type in. So I had to print out all 9 pages and use my awesome handwriting skills. This took awhile. I then gathered all the necessary materials and put it together nicely in a packet. Upon the advice of my friend Marcy I decided I would take the packet to the human resources department myself. So, the next day over my lunch hour, I drove out to the LPS office. I dressed a little nicer and actually tried to do my hair and make-up. I did this just in case someone should want to interview me on the spot! Anyway, I waltzed into the human resources office and announced “my name is Sarah Murtagh and I am dropping off an application for employment!” Perhaps I should describe the lady at the desk. She had fire red hair, much like Lucille Ball. She was probably in her early 50’s and was sporting a brown suede jacket. She was also a chunky jewelry person. She had on a huge turquoise necklace. Anyway, she said “ok, what position is it for, so that I can get it to the right person.” AGH, the name of the position is very long. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to say it. I replied “well, it’s for the assistant to the assistant superintendent……(trail off the last part because there is more)” She gave me a puzzled look. Then she said “look through this book and tell me where you see that position.” I started to panic. I looked through the book. It WASN’T IN THERE!!! I said “I don’t see it listed in here, but I was just on the website yesterday and it was there.” Fire engine said, “Well let me check on the website, because we do updates, and I’m sure my book is up to date. Hmm…Well I don’t see it on here.” I am becoming infuriated!! “Ok, well the closing date, was not until May 26th, and it was on the website yesterday. Did the updates take place today?” Fire Truck gives me a blank stare and says “yep, they happened this morning, so here’s your application back.” I shoved the envelope back in her face “no, I want to leave this.” Fire (you know what I want to say) says “I’m sorry, did you want to apply for another position, because you can’t leave an application for a position that doesn’t exist.” Ok Sarah, now this lady thinks you are CRAZY, and making up positions. Great! I took a deep breath and said “no, I do not want to apply for anything else. I would like to leave this application for this position and you can pull it out if and when it becomes available again.” Big Red just smiled and said “ok.” I left after that!

ARGH!!! I was fuming. I also needed to eat. So, I went through the Amigo’s drive-thru. It was on the way back to work. I wasn’t really hungry, but I figured the anger would turn into hunger. I ordered a taco-rito supreme and a medium Dr. Pepper. I pulled up to the window. The lady at the window said “what was your drink again?” “Dr. Pepper.” Drive-thru lady “Well, it’s going to be awhile for that, we are out, so we’ll need to change the machine.” ARGHGHGHGHGH!!! I guess Dr. Pepper doesn’t exist for me either! “Just give me a Pepsi, I gotta go.”

I came back to the office (late) after cleaning up the Pepsi that spilled all over in the cup holders because the cup was over filled. I went DIRECTLY to the LPS website and checked for the job. Towards the bottom of the page this is what I saw:

TECHNICIAN POSITIONS: (Complete Classified Application)
Assistant to the Assistant Superintendent for General Administration and Governmental Relations, 8 hrs/day, 260 day calendar: Responsible for facilitating communication between LPS Staff, the community and local legislators; process facility use requests for the district; and serve as backup for the assistants to the Superintendent. This position requires knowledge of the Nebraska legislative process, LPS policies and regulations. Prefer the ability to take dictation using shorthand. Must have effective oral and written skills as well as strong skills in use of computer spreadsheets, database and presentation software. Salary Range $40,000 to $50,000 (Annual). Closes 5/26/09

WHAT? I am not crazy! It was there!!! I immediately IM’d Santi to see if he saw it too. Just to make sure. Yep, he collaborated that it was indeed on the site. I called the LPS office in a furry! “Hello, may I have the HR department, the receptionist at the HR department.” She said hello, or something, I don’t remember because I was shaking with anger. Also during this time, my other 5 lines were ringing. So I said “Hi, this is Sarah Murtagh, and I just dropped off an application a few minutes ago, and you had told me that the position didn’t exist and I am on the website now, and it DOES exist and it is located towards the bottom of the page under technician positions!” (all in one breath) Big Red said “Ok, let me pull up the site. Ok, I see it. There it is. Well I wonder why it wasn’t in my book. I will make sure this gets to the correct person.” I said “thank you so much! Good-Bye!” ARGHARGHAH!

Now if only I had a Dr. Pepper…..

My co-worker Hiruth and I decided that we would take a walk on our afternoon break. It was nice out and it was even nicer to get away for awhile. We walked clear down to the journalism building and had decided to cut through the parking lot. It was then that I spotted Joel Kreutzer! I went to high school with Joel. He was a year older than me. We were in band together and I always thought he was funny in a quiet creepy kind of way. Anyway, since I had broken down and joined the craziness of facebook I was able to reconnect with him. Of course I waved my arms in a big manor and said “well if it isn’t Joel Kreutzer! How the heck are ya?” Then I saw the look in his eye. Oh fuck! He had NO IDEA who I was! He said “do you work here?” I said “no, I work at the Arbor Day Foundation” (hoping this would recall his memory as to who I was because surly he had read my profile and looked at all of my pics like I do with everyone else on there, not to mention I was wearing the same outfit I had on in my profile pic). I got no response. “Well anyway, Hiruth and I were just out on a walk, so we better get back now, you look great, have a good day.” I started walking faster, hoping Hiruth wouldn’t notice. We walked in silence until we got to Arby’s. Hiruth then said, “so how do you know that guy?” I explained that we went to high school together. She said “huh, well I don’t think he knew who you were.” I stopped dead in my tracks and screamed in his general direction at the top of my lungs in front of the downtown Wendy’s “WE’RE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK!!!” Hiruth then said, “it’s really amazing how your mind works.” Stupid facebook.

As most of you already know, I recently broke up with my best friend of over 10 years. I began thinking about how much this was like breaking up with a boyfriend. I should begin with how we met. I was 15 years old and working at the YMCA as a lifeguard/swimming instructor. My boss had the worst 3 children on the planet (I’m not kidding) and often left them in the hands of the staff while she tried to save her marriage in her office via phone. Anyway, after coming off a long lifeguarding shift where one of her monsters had slipped and fell (after I told him 1000 times not to do what he was doing) and the monster then blamed it on me, I had to teach swim lessons. Anyway, this tall curly haired lady came round to my class and told me that I should watch the kids more closely as they were getting anxious sitting on the edge of pool. Who was this girl? Was she my boss? How dare she tell me what to do!!! Right after class I marched into my boss’ office. I laid into her like no other. I told her I wasn’t going to baby sit her awful children anymore nor was I going to cover for her. I also told her I didn’t need this “girl” to tell me what to do. It seems I should have done this sooner as after this angsty explosion I got my pick of shifts and classes. However, the “girl” would still glare at me whenever she saw me. Whatever.

As soon as I turned 16 I applied to lifeguard for the public pools in the summer. There were two pools. One was the cool pool. The other was in the ghetto. I chose to work at the ghetto pool. I felt like I would fit in better there. On our first day of training we all met at the cool pool. Who did I spy? THE GIRL!! God I hated her!! To make matters worse I found out she was working at MY POOL!!! Damn her!!

I’m not sure how we bonded. I think it was over the prank we played on another guard who was a tool. We put that garlic sauce from papa john’s pizza in his shampoo. Anyway, pretty much after that we were inseparable despite our age difference. She taught me how to let loose and have fun. She also taught me that it was ok to be assertive. What was a college student doing hanging around with a teenager you may be asking. It wasn’t until the road started getting rocky that I began to answer that.

It seems to me now that the relationship was unbalanced. For her I was the rock. A constant. Always there. She was my idol. Which is why I let her make me feel less then equal. When I started asking for equality the rift started. You might have guessed that the rift would have started when she got married. However, we became closer during this time as her marriage fell apart and I was once again her rock. Then something hit me. I was tired. I was tired of being the rock for everyone. I wanted to have relationships that gave back to me as I gave to them. I started the change. When I started this process Lena became less available for me. She just wasn’t able to give back. She couldn’t be my rock. Anyway, like all break-ups, she broke up with me over a lame argument and I never heard from her again.

I was upset for awhile. I went through all the stages of loss. Then I took a look around me. I was happier with myself then I had been in a long time. I had an awesome (but small) group of people around me who supported me (and still do, I love you all more than you will know). They put in just as much as I did. I was happy. Lena didn’t make me happy. It was then that I realized how little she cared for me and how easily I was replaced by someone who could be her new rock. She didn’t even give me the courtesy of an insult. She was just gone. That speaks volumes. So for those of you who think that a romantic partner is the only breakup that can affect you I’d say you’re wrong. We grow apart from and with friends just the same. I am just happy that I can finally say that I feel like the people I have in my life now are balanced and offer me a great deal. I hope they can say the same about me!

Feeling the Burn

April 30, 2009

I’m having a downer of a day, so if you’re not into reading Sylvia Plath-like blogs then quit while you’re ahead. I’ve come to some realizations. One, I don’t enjoy working out. I get no high from it. It doesn’t fill my bucket so to speak. I enjoy eating and drinking. I am also never going to be a size 7. I need to be happy with my size 14. So when my pants start to feel tight, I’ll start cutting back. Two, I am getting burnt out on school. While I feel I have taken some nuggets of wisdom from school, there are other areas I feel that are a little too kum-bah-yah for me. I only have three classes left to take and I have been busting my butt. I have been taking two classes at a time. It was fine at first. However, I seemed to have saved the less interesting classes (to me anyway) for last. Anyway, I’m starting to question whether this master’s degree will help me or not. I mean, do I even want to be a manager? This is where the next problem lies. What do I want to be? While I think I’m on the right path, I don’t think I’ve found my home. I don’t think I really fit in here. To make matters worse, the two people I really felt in line with are leaving! Thanks bitches. Ah eff it! I want to work in the arts. Plain and simple. Or perhaps plain and tall. (That’s my one joke, don’t expect more b/c this is a pity entry) At times I think life is falling into place. (Finally our bathrooms are going to be remodeled) In other places I feel like I’m falling behind. (Then we’ll probably have the kid talk, and decide that our place is too small, so I won’t be enjoying the bathrooms, and I’m definitely behind in the career world) Anyway, I think for now things are just OK, and I don’t want ok. I am bored with ok. When will things be AWESOME for me? Will I ever be satisfied? For those of you who know me, I probably won’t be. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be over my self loathing after I have a breakdown of sorts. It’s one of my cycles I go through and have decided to share with you. Aren’t you lucky?